Ever stood at a cross roads and wondered which way to go?
I really don't wonder about much often - I careen along and what happens happens. Good, bad, dreadful and wonderful. It's all kind of karmic in my brain. What is meant to be is .. and what isn't meant to be doesn't happen. There are times that theory falls completely and utterly apart though. Last Sunday was one of those days. I had a fabulous day. Dogs ran BRILLIANTLY. I was having fun and pleased with the dogs when I got an earth shattering call. Big T had just gotten a call from the sister of a VERY good (completely mutual) friend of ours. Max had died the day before. Tragically, inexplicably and totally unexpectedly. (If there is a 'take away' from this it's to go to the doctor and get lingering coughs/colds looked at and taken care of). She had been our friend over 20 years, in fact we had lived together, and side by side, in university over the span of 5 years. We all settled into the same city and continued to stay close.
Sometimes life just makes no sense.
On Sunday I was faced with quite the fork in the road. Drop everything to run back home and weep or stick out the trial and see what happened? I talked to Big T and he was OK with me staying at the trial. We had no other mutual friends locally that we felt obliged to drop everything to be with. I warned the chief course builder that I might be a little unfocused and need some direction but I sucked it and carried on. To be totally frank Max would have wanted me to stay - if I could stay functional. I reached deep and found a focus that will serve me in the future. Yes, my eyes filled a couple of times. Yes, I blinked lots. Yes, I kept my blackberry close at hand (usually it's in the car and only gets checked a couple of times). But we, as a team, had some of our nicest runs since the come back tour started - and we've had nice runs all along. The very very last run (Sally's snooker) was just amazing. I was emotionally spent - with grief, with appreciation, just raw - but I was so pleased I had stayed.
I stood at a fork in the road. And I, well we, took the one less travelled. We are strong, and we are experienced in grief.
Max's funeral was today. Lovely service and really very touching to see friends we hadn't seen in many years. She will be sadly, deeply, missed forever.
the old picture is of Brody and I, waiting our turn for the jumpers class at CPE Nationals a couple of years back - another crossroads for me